


Frustration

by walkthatlonesomevalley



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: Adorable, Angst, Cravings, Distance, Drive-In, F/F, Hands, Pining, Sexual Frustration, Summer Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:13:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21987955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkthatlonesomevalley/pseuds/walkthatlonesomevalley
Summary: Casey can't stop thinking about wanting to touch Izzie.
Relationships: Casey Gardner & Izzie, Casey Gardner/Izzie
Comments: 46
Kudos: 626





	1. Secret Thoughts

It'd been months since I broke up with Evan. I went from wondering when I'd be ready for sex to being the one in the relationship who really really wanted to have it.

It's actually pretty bad.

I've never been sexually frustrated before. I kinda thought it was a myth. I didn't even know it was a real thing until all this with Izzie.

"You ready to sleep?"

"Hm? Oh, sure yeah," I said. I closed my book and tried not to get excited. Night time was my favorite now but it was also a special form of agony that drove me nuts.

We never talk about it. Talking at all about real things? That’s always hard and embarrassing for me. Humans are messy and slow.

But, it's not me, right? This can’t be my fault. 

I thought she was into me. We always stare too long. There's all this energy. We always kiss.

It's so different than things with Evan. I hate to think that, because it sounds so mean in my head, but I never felt this way for him. I love him, so much. As a best friend. But I never got even near this place where I am with her. Every hair on my body stands up when I know the lights are going to go off and I'm going to be able to lie next to her body alone in the dark.

"You okay?" Izzie asked. "You've been kinda quiet lately."

"Have I?" I asked, pretending not to be called out.

Izzie smiled and I felt that smile light up my heart and cause it to race. Every night had been like this one, long quiet hours where we barely speak and then more quiet hours where we lay next to each other in my bed and I can't sleep.

Yes. I had been weird.

I wanted to touch her so much it was all I could think about now.

"Well. Yeah," Izzie said, rolling her eyes at me. "Usually you don't shut up."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" I asked, embarrassed by myself. She wasn't wrong, I was almost always on one before this got so heavy. In other parts of my life I had to tease and complain and joke or my whole family would go insane. But, with Izzie, it wasn't like that and it didn't need to be. 

I was different with her. I am different with her. It's kinda like Evan but then there's the added sexual thing.

"Nothing," Izzie smiled. "You just. I dunno. Somethings up. I can feel it."

"Can you?" I asked, staring over at her as I pulled the cover back from my bed and crawled inside.

She stared back and followed me. "Yeah," she breathed. And the way she breathed, it was like it was my air in her throat, like I loaned it to her but somehow I could feel it inside. She faced me on the mattress and snuck her hand into mine, holding it in my line of sight. 

"Did I do something," she asked.

I shook my head. It was too hard to say. How would that conversation even happen? How did Evan do this? This was actually fucking torture.

"Should I hold you?" Izzie asked. "I know that helps me."

"Um," I tried to weigh the pros and cons. At this point, being touched by her was absolutely everything to me. "Sure," I said, voice raising a little.

"You don't have to say yes," Izzie laughed.

"No, no," I said again, in my weird high-pitch that I suddenly couldn't control. "I want you to," I nodded.

I turned around in the bed and felt my smile stretch my cheeks. I was really glad she couldn't see me.

She snuck her body in close behind mine and slipped her arm in around my waist.

I knew I was holding my breath. 

"Breathe," Izzie said, noticing.

I exhaled loudly.

"You are so weird," Izzie laughed. 

I held her hand to keep her there holding me. 

There wasn't much I could say. I guess, I was weird. Every little thing she did near me had a ripple effect. I was a still lake and she threw a stone in me.

At one point I thought we were the same, that we did this to each other. 

Right now I didn't know. But I didn't want to pressure her or ruin us. 

I shut my eyes and tried to relax.


	2. A Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While broody, and frustrated, Casey runs into Evan and decides to confess a few things

School had been out for a while which meant me and Izzie hadn't been forced together so much. For a couple of weeks she was staying with us but then her mom disappeared and she had to go back home to deal with things for a couple of days.

It was agony.

I wanted to check in on her, maybe help her, but she was always cold when she was going through things which meant I was left in the dark and I had no way to know what she was going through or if she wanted me.

It was actually torture.

I ran a lot, buried myself in my training. Which meant it wasn't surprising at all when I ended up at the park and ran into Evan who was hanging out with some friends in an empty parking lot.

"Casey!"

"Hm? Oh," I said, stopping and smiling. I loved seeing Evan. It was always somehow a surprise. A rush of heat flushed my cheeks. The happiness of randomly finding him. I'd been running for a while now so my breathing was pretty intense. I threw my arms over his shoulders and attacked him with my body like I used to. "It's good to see you," he whispered. Even though I couldn't see his face, I knew he was smiling. He was always so sweet.

"You too," I said back, glad to have his hug. 

"What are you doing out here," Evan laughed.

"Nothing," I breathed, back on my own feet. His friends were waving at him and getting into a car. He didn’t seem too bothered that they were going.

"You ran here," he started to laugh. "Casey, that's insane."

"What?!" I breathed, holding my sides. Okay, it was a little far but I had nothing else to do today. The park just happened. 

"What? Oh, I dunno," Evan breathed. "From your house to here? That's gotta be like 12 miles or something like that."

"Yeah. So," I said.

"Uh oh," Evan said, noticing something.

"What?" I asked.

"I know that look," Evan said.

"What? What do you mean? What look?"

"Somethings wrong," he said, surveying me. "You always get all moody when you don't want to talk."

“I do not,” I fought.

“Uh, yeah, you do. And you run. You become a hamster,” he stared.

"I don't," I lied. It was so good to see him I couldn't even be upset that he was right. I rested my forehead against his chest and pushed him back a little like a bull or a deer would. 

"Come on Casey," he said. "I know you."

I growled, a little annoyed. "It's nothing bad," I grumbled.

"Okay well… We're here so. Wanna talk about it?"

There were pros and cons. Evan had already lectured me on treating him differently since we broke up.

"Uh.. Yeah sure. Why not," I said.

His car was parked alone in the distance. I pushed his body and started to walk toward it.

"What were you doing here?"

"Some of the guys from work wanted to shoot off this rocket thing."

"What? That's so cool," I smiled.

"It actually was," Evan chuckled. 

"Its so funny you're here," I realized. I’d been running forever and I didn’t notice anybody so why him?

"Why? You ran the whole town. I had to be somewhere," he teased.

"Yeah but. I wasn't looking," I shrugged.

"Yeah, I know," he smiled. "You become a machine when you run."

It was hard with us. Hard not to slip into how comfortable we used to be. I did like to touch him and push him and surrender to his arms. It felt wrong to do any of that now. Even with Izzie ignoring me.

We got to his car and I sat up on the hood like I used to. 

"Okay. Talk," Evan smiled. 

My lips pursed and I looked over at him a little bothered. 

"It's probably stuff you don't want to hear about."

"Nope. You're not gonna get out of it. I know you don't have any friends."

I scowled.

"By choice," he defended. “By choice.” He raised his hands up in surrender. "I'm the same."

"Yeah," I said, breathing. 

"Too distracting," he remembered. 

When we started dating I didn't even give him the time of day.

"Right," I said, nodding. I leaned back on my hands and tried to think of the right thing to say.

"I met a girl," Evan said, completely surprising me.

"What?" I asked, too thrown to even reconcile my emotions.

"Yeah..I mean. I dunno if anything will happen with us but I like her."

"Oh," I said. My stomach hurt.

"I don't want you to feel bad," Evan said. 

"It's okay," I said, a little sad. 

"I just mean. I know I should try to move on. More than I have. So… I'm doing it. I'm trying."

"You're a great person Evan."

"Uh huh," he said, nervously. "Her name is Cassie."

"Cassie?!"

"I know," he laughed. "It's weird. She kinda looks like you too."

"That's not good," I said, a little meaner than I meant to.

We looked at each other and both started to laugh.

"She's not you," he said, serious for a moment. 

"Evan," I said, overly emotional. It was wrong but, I didn’t want him with some other girl.

We tried to mess around and pretend that being friends was okay but things hadn't been normal since I kissed Izzie. I wondered if they could ever be.

"Anyway," he said, shaking it all off. "What, uh. What's up? Somethings up. Tell me," he prodded.

"I reeeally shouldn't talk about it," I laughed.

"Why? Why not? Is it embarrassing?"

"Well, yeah," I laughed. "And it's about…" I made a face so I wouldn't have to actually say it.

"Ohhh," Evan nodded. "Oh," he smiled and laughed. "What uh. Not good?" He offered a possibility to try and save me from my own misery of having to describe it.

"Not good," I said, shaking my head.

"Aww.. That's too bad," he said. "Maybe talk about it? With her?"

"No. Um.. I can't talk about it," I realized. I wiped my hands on my thighs. Just the thought of bringing sex up with Izzie made me shaky.

"Well, that's not good. Why can't you?"

"Did it always feel like this?" I asked him.

"What do you mean?" He wondered.

"I mean..with me," I spoke nervously. "Did you always want to have sex with me. Like, all the time. Like it was all you could think about?"

"Well, sorta," he blushed. "You drove me crazy Casey. You know that."

"No," I breathed. 

"No. What do you mean, no. It happened," Evan laughed.

"Yeah but I didn't know," I said, realizing. 

"Hm," Evan pursed his lips together and thought. He was always so patient with me. I knew I didn’t deserve it. "So, you mean..."

"With her," I shrugged.

"Right," he nodded, understanding me. With him I never realized what he must've been feeling. I'd never felt it before. Now it was all I could feel. I knew what it was like to physically want someone in a way that bordered on need.

"Izzie and I.. We haven't."

"Haven't?" Evan asked, needing elaboration.

"Haven't," I repeated, frustrated.

"Okay, Casey. You're gonna need to actually talk if you want me to help you."

"Haven't had sex," I said, my voice raising.

For some reason, I felt guilty. Maybe for being wound up? For being a lame horny person I didn't know I could be? For telling Izzie's secrets to my ex who still very much loved me. Even talking to Evan felt like cheating sometimes.

"Oh..OH," Evan said, eyes bugging. 

"I don't know if it's me," I rushed out. “My fault.”

"It's not you," Evan said.

"Well. It has to be," I said.

"No. It's not," Evan said. "You just gotta talk to her."

"I can't," I laughed, frustrated. "I can't even…" Words wouldn't come.

"What?" Evan wondered, honestly.

"Nothing," I said. Truth was, even doing the little things was becoming hard because I was doubting so much whether Izzie was wanting it or not. I used to think we were the same and now I was confused by her.

"Oh Casey," Evan said, pulling me close for a side hug. 

For whatever reason, I actually thought I might cry.

"Just talk to her," Evan said. "You could both be wanting the same thing. You don't know."

I stayed quiet and felt the tears that threatened to take over me.

As soon as Evan let me go I pushed up off the hood of the car and jumped up and down a few times to get my muscles warm and ready again. It made so much more sense to exercise and not think about anything.

"Whoa. No way," Evan said. "Aren't you tired? I know you haven’t eaten. Get in the car. You've run too much for one person."

"Uh-uh," I said, shaking my head.

"Casey," Evan scolded.

"Thanks Evan!"

I said, moving my legs and beginning to run off.

"You're gonna pass out one day!" He yelled after me. “You’re a crazy person!”

"I know!" I smiled.

I couldn't sit still anywhere right now if I tried.


	3. Lost in Translation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey comes home to find a surprise note from Izzie.

I came in late. Elsa was in the kitchen cleaning up.

"Casey, you need to eat. Come in here."

"Okay," I said, pulling up to the island and sitting down.

"Izzie stopped by."

"What?" My ears perked up.

"She brought those for you." Elsa pointed to a plate covered up with plastic wrap. I stretched to reach. For some reason it was a plate full of cookies.

I swallowed, confused.

"That was sweet of her," my mom said. “Wish someone would bake me cookies.”

"Yeah," I agreed. But it didn't sit well. If Izzie had time to bake cookies she had time to call me. "Did she stay long?"

"Uh. A little while. We all know how you get when you run."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Elsa stared at me, amused. Then she looked over at the clock.

I took a deep breath in and tried to get over it. I did run for a long time but it really was the only way to get better. 

"She also left a note in your room."

I got up, causing the stool to drag loudly across the floor. 

"Casey! Come back down when you're done. You need to eat something."

"Alright," I yelled back from the stairs as I passed them.

When I opened my door I noticed the envelope on the foot of my bed.

I sat down beside it and picked it up. If I stared too long I'd talk myself out of opening it so I hurriedly cut my anxiety off and pulled the note out from inside, slicing a paper cut in my finger and not caring.

Izzie's handwriting always spoke sweet secrets to me. I stared down at the page and tried to read all the unspoken thoughts that lay between the words and the lines.

Hi Casey,

I stopped by, hoping to see you. At this point, I'd understand if you were angry with me. Things have been confusing. I haven't been able to live for me lately. I wish it was different but I’m sure you know that.

Anyway, none of this is your fault. 

I miss you…

Izzie

My heart sped and I wondered why she had to miss me when I was right here for her to find. We could text and we could call each other but Izzie didn't text or call.

Maybe I needed her permission to be mad at her. She had given it and now I did feel a little bit of anger but I knew it was just because I missed her. 

I pulled my phone from my pocket and texted her.

Me: got your note

I shoved the note in my hoodie pocket and wondered why she finally came.

Last time I went to her house it was awkward and she didn't invite me in. There was this tense feeling that made me know she didn't want me there.

Izzie: I'm sorry.

Me: for what

Izzie: I know it's not right to disappear. I wish I didn't have to.

Me: why can't I help you?

Izzie: it's too complicated for a quick bandaid, Case.

I gripped my phone in my hand and felt angry.

Izzie: where were you today?

Me: ran into Evan.

Alone in my room, I sniffled. Everyone was right about me overdoing it. My body hurt.

Izzie: oh…

Me: we just talked.

Izzie: about what?

Me: us. 

Izzie: interesting.

Me: me and you, us. Not me and him.

Izzie: oh.

My stomach hurt. Why were we texting? Why wasn't she here?

My phone rang and I answered it. It was hard not to be stressed out about this. I held my breath.

"Hi," Izzie said.

"Hi," I said back.

I could here here breathing. I knew she was probably smiling too. It was weird how one word could feel so good and confusing.

"How are you?" She wondered.

"I dunno," I said, honestly. 

"Okay," Izzie said, unsure of herself.

"Have you been avoiding me on purpose?"

"What? No," Izzie said quickly. "Casey, no. Definitely not."

"Okay." I whined a little and let myself breathe. 

"Is that what you've been thinking?" Izzie asked, worried.

"Well, yeah," I spoke awkwardly. "I haven't heard much from you."

"I told you I had to be at home for awhile."

"Yeah," I said. But I didn't get it. I didn't understand it. And even if she was at home, she should be able to text me, think of me at least once a day. I mean, if she likes me.

"The kids can't watch themselves," Izzie explained.

"Yeah but Iz… You're a kid too, right?"

"No," Izzie laughed sadly. "I haven't been a kid for a long time Casey."

"Well… what if I want you to be," I wondered sadly.

I leaned back down onto my bed and stretched out.

"I love that," Izzie said. 

"That's it? You love it?"

"I love you, Casey," Izzie said. I let it hang there for a second. 

"I love you too," I said, hurt that we were so close but not together.

"Are you really okay?"

"I'm fine," I lied. "Are you okay?"

"Uh," Izzie laughed bitterly. "Not really. No," she said.

"Great. So we're both miserable. This makes perfect sense."

"Aww," Izzie laughed. "Miserable?" She asked.

"Yeah. It's like we're strangers. I hate it."

"Hey. I hate it too," Izzie said.

"I can't believe you came by and I wasn't here. I've literally been waiting around for you. Not leaving the house."

"Don't," Izzie said.

"Don't?" I asked. Annoyed. "So what? We're like over?"

"Casey. No. That's not what I meant."

"You didn't even text me."

"Because I knew you'd be running."

"So what? You waited for me to leave to come by?"

"Casey. No. God. Why would you even think that?" 

"I haven't seen you in days, Izzie."

She took a deep breath in and gave the moment more patience than it deserved.

"Ya know what. Fuck it," Izzie said.

I couldn't tell if she meant she was done with me or what. She still hung on the line and I heard the rattling of keys and the sound of footsteps and then a door. 

"What're you doing," I asked sadly.

"What do you think I'm doing? I'm coming to see you. I didn't know you were thinking all this."

"Izzie…"

"What? It's really sad, Casey. If I knew you were thinking like this, I would've come to see you a long time ago. I thought you understood what was happening with me."

"I'm sorry," I cried, guiltily. It sucked because I didn't mean to be sad. I didn't like it.

"No," Izzie said. "You're a normal person. It makes sense that you wouldn't really know what was happening."

"So now I'm stupid?"

"No," Izzie laughed. "You're adorable and I should've really explained a long time ago. It’s hard to explain. I didn't think you could think this way, Newton."

It felt too impersonal now that she called me that. 

"I didn't expect to have to be home every day. I really didn't," Izzie explained.

Shit. She was coming here and I'd been running all day which meant I probably looked and smelled disgusting.

"I'm gonna shower," I blurted out, ending the call. I couldn't have the first and possibly only time I see her this month be with me physically gross and repellent.

I rushed to the shower and got in while it was still cold.


	4. Wrestling with Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since she's now worried, Izzie stops in to make sure that Casey is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late to the game with this fandom but I love these two so much that I wanted to put something out. Thank you for commenting and reading!

I threw on a clean hoodie and a pair of jeans. In truth, I rushed my shower and I knew I probably had some conditioner left in my hair which was the actual worst. Nothing could be worse though than feeling all stinky in front of Izzie. We exercised all the time and we always made jokes about it but I didn’t like it around her. I didn’t like to think I might smell gross or be gross. Coming from Newton meant Clayton people actually expected that from me.

Knock, knock.

The sound startled me and I looked up. I'd been towel-drying my hair when Izzie knocked on the wall where she stood by the door.

I froze, confronted by someone beautiful. Not just someone, the exact someone I'd been missing every minute and every hour since she'd run off and left.

"Hi," she smiled.

The smile was catching. My lips spread and my cheeks burned. Of course I was more than happy to see her. It didn't matter how confusing she was, I'd always want to see her.

"Can I come in?"

"Oh shoot. Yeah," I said, realizing I'd been full-on staring instead of talking. I dropped my towel down onto a chair nearby but I was caught by a soft cool hand I'd often craved while we were apart.

"Come 'ere," Izzie breathed. The tug from her hand pulled my body to turn and smooth in against hers. It only took one motion and her arms were around me, holding me. Her hand was in mine. The addicting sound of her breathing filled me up inside and inspired me to openly yearn. 

I'd been dreaming about her, closing my eyes and imagining.

But now she was here and real again. It was instantly so much better than all of my dreams.

"Damn Newton," Izzie breathed. "This is gonna sound messed up but I'm actually glad you're upset with me."

"What?" I asked, a little bruised. I leaned back and looked at her. 

"No," she laughed, apologetically. "I just mean. It feels really good to be with you. If you weren't upset I couldn't justify coming."

My throat hurt. It always hurt when I was emotionally raw.

Why was she saying that?

Instead of wondering, I let it all just sit there in the air. I leaned in to hug her better and rest my head on her shoulder.

"I wanna be able to see you when I'm happy," I mumbled. 

"I know," she sighed. I knew that sigh. Izzie was stressed. 

I breathed her in through the fabric of her shirt. She smelled so great, always always.

"You feel really good Case."

Her words caused a smile to spring up on my lips. I pursed them and kissed her hair, kissed the side of her head. It was way too easy to just forgive her and pretend things were fine. I pet her a little and let my lips rest near her forehead. When my hand settled down on her neck she quickly held it.

I didn't know what to say so I didn't speak. But then I realized my breathing was kinda loud and it made me too nervous.

"You'd tell me if I did something wrong," I asked nervously.

"I do," Izzie said. 

And there were many examples. Not only did she tell me when I messed up she also told me important things when she realized I couldn't take hints like a normal person.

"You've done nothing wrong," she said, holding my hand against her and holding my body just the same. "That's why I came. To remind you."

"Why?" I wondered.

"Uhhh," she thought, looking up to the imaginary sky now since she knew that I was watching her. "Desperate excuse to be close to you?" She laughed. 

I laughed too. This was flirting. I knew that.

"You don't need an excuse," I reminded.

She had both my hands now and was playing with them, rubbing her thumbs against my palms and making them soft and tender and sweaty.

My chest ached, unable to deal with all the touching everywhere. It was embarrassing how easily she turned my body on. I wondered if she knew.

"I like knowing that you want me around," Izzie said. "That you're not sick of me."

"How could I be?" I wondered. She never gave me enough time.

"Oh, you'd be surprised," Izzie leaned back into me and rest against me some more.

It made me smile again, a little more confident in us. 

Her fingers trailed down one side of my back and she stayed with me.

"I wish I could stay here," she whispered.

"Then do it," I asked. 

"I can't," she laughed sadly. "The kids are alone."

I tried to imagine it, not having Elsa there all the time.

"I still don't get why I can't come with you," I said.

"The apartment is small," Izzie reminded. 

"Why would I care about that?"

"I care," Izzie said, frustrated. "I don't want you to have to think of me that way."

"What way?"

"I dunno," Izzie sighed. "Just forget it."

"What?" I asked, bothered. So now we weren't even gonna talk about things? 

Izzie stepped back from me and pulled away. I sat down on my bed and tried not to be stressed. In front of me, a few steps away, she hugged herself and looked down at the ground. 

After a few painful seconds her eyes moved up and she looked at me. "Do you know that I love you?" She wondered.

A flush ran through me. What was she asking really? It felt like a test.

The word was so nice though. I felt that word everywhere.

"Why aren't you answering me," Izzie asked.

"I um-" I swallowed and shook my head to wake myself up. "Why are you asking me that. Come on, sit down," I asked, rubbing the spot right next to me on the bed.

"I've missed you so much," Izzie said, choking up. 

Tears flooded into her eyes and stuck there. A warning of the rawness inside.

I stood up and tried to comfort her. "Hey, its okay," I said pulling her arms apart and forcing her to hug me again so that I could hold her. "I know," I whispered, finally answering her. "I know. But, you've never said that to me before today."

"I think… I love you," Izzie said. 

I held her tight and tried not to smile about it. "You're so cute," I beamed, alight inside. 

"It's not cute," she said, stressed out. 

"No. You're right," I pretended. "This is serious," I teased.

"It is," she laughed and hit me, since I was being a jerk. 

"I love you too," I said. 

I guess she'd been waiting for that and I wish I'd know because I would've said it much sooner if I did. She squeezed me tighter and breathed me in. 

"I have to go," she whispered.

"Mm-mm, no," I said, refusing to let go. 

"The kids are alone," she laughed. "I really have to."

"Nah, it'll give them more character," I joked.

"God, that's terrible," Izzie genuinely laughed. "You're really bad," she said.

"Just miss you," I whispered.

"I know baby," she whispered, exhausted. She never called me that. It was everything. 

She pulled back and looked up at me. When I looked down, her hand touched my neck and her lips smoothed up into mine. I felt her tongue slip in and taste mine. So perfect and lovely. Of course we couldn't just kiss once and pull back. One taste led to another and another until the both of us were so turned on we forced each other to stop so that we could breathe.

"Damn Newton," Izzie lamented. 

"I want you," I smiled, more embarrassed than I could explain.

"Good," she said, squeezing my hand and resting her forehead down against my chest to keep us apart. 

She was going to go back home now and I could feel that. 

It wasn't fair of me to make her feel bad. I didn't want her to feel bad. I just didn't want to be without her.

"I'm gonna go," she warned. "Because I have to."

"Right," I agreed. 

"Are you gonna be okay?" 

I shrugged but she wasn't looking at me. Nonetheless, she felt my body move and smiled to herself.

"Okay look," she said, smiling up at me.

"What?" I smiled, bothered.

"You are going to be strong for me, okay?"

"Yeah. Sure," I said, upset but pushing it down.

"I know it's not right, or fair, that I'm having to take care or my family but I want to do it okay? I don't trust anyone else to do it. I know what I've been through and I don't wish it on anyone."

"Iz," I said, scared by that. There was so much about her I still didn't know. 

"No. It's fine. But that's why, okay?" She pushed. "So whatever you're thinking when I'm gone about you not being important enough to me or whatever you think. It's not that, okay? It's never that. You're so important to me, Casey. More important than you understand."

"So now I'm stupid again," I joked.

"No, stop," she said, needing it to be real and not a joke. "Hear me," she said. 

I swallowed and forced myself to meet her eyes. It was hard to talk about these things.

"I love you," Izzie said, watching me. "I'm in love with you. Okay?"

"Okay," I nodded, wanting to be strong for her. She needed to know I believed her.

"Summers are always worse for me and I should've told you that," Izzie said.

She leaned up again and stole another kiss. This one more chaste, more final. I could feel her mind pulling back towards her home instead of here. The kiss wasn't here.

I tried to keep her, pulling her back and taking something deeper, tangling myself inside her and wanting her to stay. It was selfish and I knew. 

She pushed her forehead to mine and led me out of it, reminding me of everything, of how we started and where we were.

"I gotta go," she smiled, exhausted by me. 

"Wait wait wait," I laughed, keeping her by her hands. 

"No, I can't," she reminded with a laugh.

"When can I see you again?"

"I dunno," she said. 

"I can't live like this," I laughed, embarrassed. "You're making me crazy."

"Okay, soon," she promised, squeezing my hands and tugging on me to get herself closer to the door. "Is that good enough?"

"Yes," I breathed, relieved. 

"Goodnight," she said, obviously sad that she had to go.

"Wait," I said again, surprising myself even.

I lunged forward and forced her to kiss me one last time, a good kiss, not a small insignificant one where she wasn't in it here with me. I needed her to remember me, remember us.

When I was done, ready to allow her to go she hung in against me and didn't move or say anything. I sort of paralyzed her.

"Sorry," I breathed. I always worried I was being either too timid or too forward.

"Its okay," Izzie breathed. She finally managed to move away from me and I watched as she walked away down the hall and the stairs. I trailed after, at a distance. She looked back at me once, when she knew I was far enough away that I probably wouldn't follow any more. Her gaze kept me still and wanting. I stared long after she'd gone, holding her memory in my mind.


	5. Finally, a Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the summer, Casey finally gets a chance to take Izzie out on a real official date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: This turned out way more angsty than I anticipated. I hope you don't hate it.

I parked dad's truck outside Izzie's apartment and got out to walk to her door. Halfway up the sidewalk, Izzie's door opened and she slipped outside in the near dark. She locked the door behind herself before turning to me. 

It was perfect to see her. Way better than all of my wonderful memories. Seeing her was everything I'd been wanting for days, since we'd been apart again. We stood apart from one another, each still and staring, me on her walk and she on her step, one foot perched in wait for its action. She'd dressed up for me, something I didn't at all expect for some reason. I just wanted to see her so badly that nothing else mattered until now.

She moved first, walking towards me. Our hands came out and held each others. With makeup she was too much, so pretty. It enhanced everything naturally beautiful. "Huh- hi," we both struggled to say. We spoke over each other and smiled and laughed in our own embarrassment. 

I leaned in a little to relax into her and feel her. I wanted to hold her. But then she surprised me by doing the opposite and leaning back. "Can we uh," she pointed over to the truck.

"Oh, yeah," I said, realizing she wanted to go.

It was always kinda hard here. She acted differently at her apartment, made me feel like a different person sometimes like maybe I wasn't at all that interesting to her. 

I walked to the truck and got in while she did. 

It made me nervous, to feel like I only have one chance to do this right. Our relationship was a thin thread with not much to reinforce it.

Even now, my mind was away. Back at my house before, Sam had come up with a list of all the reasons Izzie could be avoiding me. A lot of the reasons were pretty intense and unlikely. For instance, he imagined her on a plane with no signal because he had read somewhere about airplane mode and it fascinated him. It was the kind of list perfectly designed to drive me insane. Why would Izzie be on a plane? Would she? No. Well… Maybe. My heart ached. I had no clue really 

It helped to think about some of the more plausible options. Maybe she's dying her hair and she can’t use her hands. Maybe she's watching a movie and she left her phone where she can’t see or reach it. I kept myself grounded in the thought that she wasn't just avoiding me. She was probably busy like a normal well-adjusted person would be.

I started the truck, the stress of missing her had been weighing on me. Living without her was like having to mourn her. I hated that.

Now in the truck, her hand touched mine, surprising me. I looked down at it, apparently I forgot that this could happen and I forgot how good it could feel. 

"Case," Izzie said, to get me to look up and over at her. I was distracted.

How was it possible that she became even prettier? She was already the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. But tonight it was eclipsing. Like staring at a work of art. 

I swallowed and tried to be cool.

We stared for a second. I hate to say this but I don't know what she wants from me.

We'd been texting a lot, in preparation to make this plan for our date night, which was tonight.

There was so much distance between the time I suggested this and the time of it happening that I started to think only I really wanted it and that scared me. I'd never want Izzie to pretend to be into me. I love her too much to ever want that from her.

When Izzie had no words, I turned back to the road and the wheel. The absence of sound was heavy. I started the truck and we both listened as the oversized machine growled into life. 

My stomach ached and the distance between Izzie and I was too great. 

I pulled away from her home and kept quiet as the wheels turned and we inched further and further away from her family.

As I rounded a corner Izzie squeezed my hand and moved in a little closer to me. 

There was an old drive-in theater my family always went to when Sam and I were young. I remember, it helped Sam. To not be so close to strangers or confined to a traditional seat inside a small room was a necessity. Finding the drive-in as an alternative was one of the only ways we could give Sam the gift of the movies. It made me happy to see him happy. Sometimes, now, Sam and I would come with two sets of binoculars and pick apart every pixel of a scene instead of actually watching it like normal people do. 

"You okay?" Izzie asked.

I wasn't ignoring her. I just wasn't a fan of mixed signals and she'd been full of those with me.

"Yeah," I lied. 

"Oh no," Izzie sighed.

"What?"

"Maybe we should go back?"

I looked over at her and felt how scrunched my forehead became. The suggestion was absurd. And hurtful.

"Don't look at me," her voice rose. "I've been really excited about this all week."

"All week?" I asked.

"Yeah," Izzie said, bothered but kinda happy. She punched my shoulder a little and snuggled into me. "I really fucking miss you," she nearly whispered. I swallowed and felt the lump in my throat, remembering the first time we held hands and how it was like this. Crazy how something so pure and innocent can feel so intense. I looked over and her face was too pretty. Also, my gaze slipped and I saw down into her dress. It made me feel guilty to steal a glimpse at so much of her skin.

"If you don't miss me-" She said, not noticing.

"Whoa!" I nearly yelled. I scrunched my eyes closed for a second. How could that even be a thought?

"Well?! Hey, watch the road,” she said, shaking me. I opened my eyes. “And what am I supposed to think?” She wondered. “I'm all excited. Then you get me alone and start acting weird."

"I'm not the one acting weird," I said, finding some calm and some joy now that I knew that she missed me too. 

We'd texted a little but I hated texting now. I hated being in separate places and separate rooms. I hated not seeing each other at least ten times in one day. Without her I'd been moping and stressed out. I missed school because school brought us an excuse to be together. 

"Mm. Okay Newton," Izzie placated. 

“Whatever,” I mumbled. I hated to feel like I was the only one being crazy. 

“No. Not whatever,” Izzie whispered. “Just talk to me,” she asked.

“When do I not talk to you?” I wondered. 

“When you have fears,” Izzie said. “Like when I told you I was into you and you disappeared every chance you could get. Drove me nuts.”

“Hey, that’s not fair.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged, nodding.

We parked at a light and I stared down at her wondering what I could do.

“You needed time and that’s okay but it doesn’t mean you didn’t hurt me. You made me think you didn’t even want to be my friend.”

“Not on purpose,” I said. 

“I know,” Izzie said, reliving it just a little.

The light changed and I had to look back at the road. I wanted to get food to take but it felt weird to ask right now.

“You don’t have to hold everything in,” she said. 

“I’ve tried,” I said. 

"Yeah, that's what I mean," Izzie said. "I keep trying to be honest with you but you're missing things."

"Okay…" I didn't know what to say to that. What was I missing?

"Case…" Izzie whispered. Her voice was so soft and addicting. Hell, right now it even felt loving, like she was trying to reach inside and stroke my brain.

I swallowed again and tried not to feel down. My lips pressed together. How did normal people do this?

"How many times do I have to tell you that this separation isn't about you," Izzie wondered. “I know that you miss me Case. I miss you too. All the time. Every day. So, what is it? What am I doing wrong?” Her fingers stroked my arm as she held my hand. 

“Nothing,” I said, misty-eyed. 

“No,” Izzie said. “Okay? 'cause it has to be something and you need to tell me what it is.”

“Can I think about it?” I wondered. I wanted my date with her, my full date. I wanted to support her and be with her, to see her smile. 

Izzie took a deep breath in and nodded. “Okay,” she said, deciding to let it go for now. I wasn’t the one being terribly complicated here, hiding myself away and refusing to go out or talk. Okay, maybe I was bad at speaking when I needed to but that wasn’t fair. I’m not good on the spot, I need time to process things and respond. It takes me awhile to understand and work through what I feel. If I act on impulse, I’m usually a jerk and I don’t want to be that. Not with anyone but especially her.

There was a big gas station close and I pulled in to get us some snacks. Izzie was comfortable but I still felt messed up inside. My stomach ached from both pleasure and confusion.

“What’s this?” Izzie wondered. I’d parked the truck but stayed still. 

Her body felt too good against mine. Moving would be idiocy.

“Thought we should probably get snacks,” I said.

“Mm. But you’re not moving,” she laughed.

“How can I? You feel too good,” I confessed.

“Did you invite me to the drive-in because you wanted to be close to me?”

“Maybe,” I joked. “And yes,” I said, not wanting to joke about it any more.

I stared over at her, remembering this. Her lips were so close and she was looking at mine. Remembering a few seconds ago, how she was by her apartment, I kissed her head instead of her lips and shut the truck off to go out and into the store.

Izzie got out and followed me. It actually surprised me. What part of me was she really ashamed of? Was it everything?

“Hey, wait up,” Izzie laughed, catching up with me.

When she came after me, she took my hand in the store and it stopped me in my tracks. I stared down at it. Nothing made any sense.

“Newton,” Izzie said, confused. 

I’d reacted strangely to her hand taking mine. 

“What? What is it? What’d I do now,” she wondered sadly.

There were other people in the store, it wasn’t empty. The look Izzie gave me was an emotional one, like I’d been putting her through hell or something. 

“Pick some stuff out,” I said, looking around. 

Izzie shrugged, emotional. She turned from me and went to grab a snack from the bakery section.

I went to the Icee machine and started to make us each one.

Down the aisle I saw this familiar couple. They were from my old school. I remembered them. Terrance played football and Rose played the flute in the band. I’d also seen Rose dance once, randomly. It was an accident. Sam was having a breakdown and I pulled him into what I thought was an empty practice room. We interrupted her. Instead of being mean or embarrassed, she was concerned and actually really sweet. A rarity at Newton. 

The way they were kissing, it was open and hungered like nothing else in the entire world mattered. It was even addicting to watch.

Cold spread through me. “Aw, damn,” I said, looking down at my hand. 

“I got it,” Izzie said, coming up beside me and helping me out.

I’d been watching the couple make-out and it distracted me. Cherry Icee spilt out onto my hand and onto the cup I’d overfilled, and the machine, and then the counter as well.

Quickly, Izzie used napkins to help me. Her eyes watched mine. And she laughed once she realized what I’d been distracted by.

My cheeks flushed red and so did hers. I'd been caught red handed with red cheeks.

“Come on,” she laughed sweetly. I felt her hand touch down at my lower back which made me stiffen. I got scared sometimes like if I did something wrong she’d stop touching me. So I’d stand still, or not move. I knew she didn’t get it so I probably wasn’t normal. “That better?” Izzie asked, looking up at me now that she’d steadied me and cleaned up my cup. 

“Yeah,” I said, nodding. 

She swallowed, and smiled. A few of the dirty napkins sat beside my cup and she gathered them up and threw them out. “Leave that, come on,” she said, tugging me over toward the bathroom.

We got inside and it was quiet. Izzie ran the water and checked me out through the mirror. 

When the water got hot she pulled my hands beneath it and soaped them up to get the sticky red off. “Did you know them?”

“Hm?”

I’d gotten so distracted by the closeness and the warmth. I’d already forgotten about before and my own stupidity.

“Oh, yeah,” I said, shaking it off. 

“Newton hoodie,” Izzie teased. 

“Yeah, they were like in sports. Other sports,” I made sure to say. It wasn’t like we were friends or close. They were just making out, and they looked good together. That was it. They could've been anyone.

“Other sports,” Izzie repeated and smiled at me. She reached back behind her and pulled a paper-towel from the dispenser. Then she brought her hands back to mine and I stared down at them as she carefully dried me off. “Ya know. You’re really hard to figure out Newton.”

“What?”

“You get lost in there,” Izzie said, watching me. 

“Oh,” I said, blinking for a second. It stressed me out to think I might be complicated. I always felt like I tried to be overly accommodating. Evan and I had some problems but, I dunno, I kinda always thought they were flukes. Or like, maybe I wasn't supposed to be close to anyone. Like I didn't deserve it.

“You wanna talk about it?” Izzie asked.

“Uh. No,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean. Maybe later,” I laughed and blushed. 

“Okay,” Izzie said. “I can wait.”

She threw the paper towel out and led me back out to get my Icee and whatever else I could want.

I was quiet, less upset. I grabbed extra snacks because I knew what Izzie liked and what she wasn’t grabbing.

“Hey, stop that,” she tried to fight me.

“No. You stop,” I said, taking even more and leading her back to the counter.

The guy behind the registers was staring off toward the window where the Newton couple still engaged. 

I cleared my throat.

“Oh,” he nearly jumped. “Sorry,” he said, shaking his head. 

“They’re pretty popular,” Izzie smiled. 

“I dunno why it suprises me,” the guy blushed. “It’s always like this on Fridays.”

We laughed and waited for him to ring us up.

It wasn’t until we got back into the truck that Izzie decided to say something.

“You didn’t like, date him,” she said.

“What?” I laughed, taken aback.

“That guy, with the girl,” she said.

“No,” I said. “No. I didn’t date him.” Of all the things I could be thinking about that was the last of it. Terrance is nice but we never talked and I didn’t have a great opinion of the football team as a whole. Rose was sweet though.

“Her?” 

“Whoa,” I said, thrown. I’d been getting ready to start the truck but then these questions.

“What?! I’m just asking,” Izzie said.

“I didn’t date either of them,” I said, annoyed.

“Okay,” Izzie squeaked. “You just seemed - I dunno,” she shrugged.

“What?” I asked, poking at her.

“I dunno,” Izzie laughed, apologetic. “Like maybe you did or something.”

“Well, I didn’t,” I said, trying to put it to rest.

“Don’t get me wrong, they’re hot,” she defended. 

“Okay, what the hell,” I said, frustrated. 

“What?! You were staring at them,” Izzie laughed. “You spilt Icee all over yourself. You were turned on.”

“You turn me on,” I said, not realizing how bold of a statement that was. And I said it so flippantly. Why was I like this?

“Case,” Izzie said, touching my hand. 

Annoyed, I finally managed to start the truck and get us going down the road to where we needed to be. The movie was going to start soon. Like it or not, my time with Izzie was just slipping away. 

We parked in the back and on the side of the large lot. I wasn’t sure what Izzie would want and I’d rather be close to her so I put us where most people couldn’t see. We only had a few minutes to set up the back with the blankets and pillows I brought. “I have to use the ladies room,” Izzie said.

“Wait up, I’ll come with.”

It was dark out and I didn’t want her to go alone.

Izzie waited for me and held my hand on the way to the bathroom.

People were gossiping inside. I waited awkwardly until Izzie did her thing and washed her hands. 

We walked back together.

“You sure you don’t want anything at the snack bar?”

“We brought snacks.”

“Oh yeah,” I said, trying to find something else to say, something less stupid.

“Relax,” Izzie soothed. Her hand squeezed mine tight and it reminded me of how I would squeeze Sam. 

It worked. Really, it did. I wished she'd squeeze my whole body though.

It made me laugh, actually. So much that I started to crack up out loud as we walked.

“God, you are crazy,” Izzie shook her head and continued to smile at me.

“Sorry,” I said. 

“Yeah? What for,” she begged, searching for my issues. 

“Everything,” I decided. She was right, I was being a ball of nervous and too many thoughts. I needed to be here with her now, while I could. 

We got back to the truck and climbed up into the back to sit together amongst the blankets. The movie we chose was It 2. We both agreed that a scary one would probably be more fun. And I already knew that Izzie was more than adorable when she was scared, that is, if she managed to stay awake, which I hoped that she would.

We propped our backs up against pillows and pulled the blankets up over our laps. Once the previews started we both pretended to be watching them but I knew we were thinking other things. Izzie’s hand crept over onto my thigh and I adjusted so that I could be holding her a little instead of sitting with a sliver of distance like we’d been in the first place. I slipped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer so that she’d rest her head on me. 

"Is this okay," I asked.

"Mhmm," she nodded. Then I felt her adjust even more. "It's more than okay," she whispered sweetly. I felt her warmth now and her breath warming a spot on my hoodie. 

I had to rest into it for a moment. It was too good not to.

The previews had started. We watched them openly and laughed when they were funny or scary.

I drank some of my Icee and handed it to her so she could have some.

Her own drink was out of reach and she didn't seem too concerned about that.

"Is this gonna freak you out?" 

"Probably," she huffed a laugh. "I couldn't even take what you read to me before."

"I know," I remembered. That day meant so much to me. When she came to me instead of someone else. It still means everything. I think about it late at night.

"I can't believe you can read that stuff. You're so weird," Izzie stared.

"Why?" I whined. "Everyone reads Stephen King."

"Uh. No they don't," she laughed. "Plus, that book's like a thousand pages."

"I think I just liked how messed up it was," I dazed. "When things are scary you're distracted."

"Distracted," she repeated, watching me.

"Mhmm," I said, nodding. I felt her hand move and sneak in to rest inside my hoodie pouch. It rubbed against my stomach and I held my breath, looking down on her. "Evan liked scary movies too," I remembered.

"Did you come here?" Izzie wondered.

"Once," I confessed, guiltily. I always brought him up when I shouldn't. I really did love him so much. He's my best friend. It's hard to remember that Izzie gets jealous of that.

"Oh," Izzie said, a little frozen by my words.

I set my Icee down and snuck my hand inside my hoodie pocket to find hers and hold it. 

"Sometimes I wonder if I never should've said anything," Izzie said.

"What?"

Izzie let go of my hand and sat up against the back of the truck. 

"What are you talking about," I wondered.

"You were so happy with him," Izzie said. 

"I- was in love with you," I reminded.

"Uh-uh," Izzie said, shaking it off. "You were curious about me. But you loved him."

A small spike of anger pierced right through me. "Did you invite me here to break up with me?"

"What? Hell no," Izzie said, annoyed. She always smiled though. Even when she was mad at me she somehow looked like she was smiling  
Like all of life was one mean joke. In some way, I really understood that coming from her. "I don't wanna break up with you. That's insane."

"Then why are you saying that," I asked.

"I hate how sad I make you," Izzie quickly explained.

I swallowed and stared at her. I leaned my head back on the back of the truck cab and wondered what she wanted me to say.

"You'd be having fun this summer if it wasn't for me."

"With Evan?" I mocked.

"Yeah," she huffed. "With Evan. Hell, Newton... With anyone," she whispered. "We shouldn't both have to suffer."

I reached over and grabbed her hand. "I don't want you to suffer," I reminded. There was nothing that scared me more than not knowing what her days were like.

"Yeah, but it doesn't do me any good that you're upset."

I felt the heaviness of us. All the time we'd both wasted being sad while we were apart.

The movie had started but neither of us were watching it now.

There was something so beautiful and sad about her. I don't know what it was but I wanted to help her, wanted to fix it. 

I leaned in close and spent about a millisecond deciding before just doing it and kissing her. I didn't care anymore, about how I should be careful. Her lips were right here and she was sad and telling me as much.

I wanted to taste her, remind her that I wanted her, that she was worth it.

Once I started kissing her though, it overwhelmed me and I didn't want to stop.

A rush of want and need flooded into me. My whole body felt hers inside. All my skin became tight and the pleasure traveled through veins, extending inside me for just as far as they could go. Alive and electric, like fast moving sparks. I sought it out, taking more from her, kissing her deeper and longer, refusing to pull back or give in and let her breathe.

Izzie moaned and I felt it everywhere. 

It shocked me so bad, I found the strength to resist my wants and pull back. When I did, I saw her eyes slowly open, the way she hovered listlessly.

"We should watch the movie," I panted out, overcome.

"Uh-uh," Izzie said, pulling me back in and taking from me. Her eyes were cloudy with desire and I knew mine must look identical too.

We hadn't given ourselves over to the physical in such a long time. Even then, we usually built up to this instead of diving right in.

Izzie's fingers stroked my face and my neck. Her tongue kept taking from mine. Every touch was an explosion. It felt so good I could hardly contain it inside. 

Pretty soon I was whimpering between breaths. Izzie's hand found my breast and sent me reeling as it openly touched it.

I gasped loudly, not expecting such a direct grope. I sounded like a scared puppy, such a desperate yelp. And I realized that a little too late.

"Sorry," she laughed.

"Its okay," I panted. 

At some point my eyes had begun watering. 

"Sweetie," Izzie noticed, touching her thumb to a tear. 

"I'm dumb," I laughed, trying to shake it off. Normal people didn't cry when they were happy. 

Izzie shook her head and stared at me. It was like she couldn't stop looking and I knew that feeling too. I felt it all the time. When I looked at her it was all I could do, just wonder how.

"What is it," I asked. It didn't matter that I knew. I still wanted to see what she would say.

Izzie licked her lips and shook her head. As she stared at me, she hesitated. "I'm so lucky," she said, scared.

My forehead scrunched in confusion and I moved to speak but she saw that I was about to protest and she quickly cut me off with another kiss. I couldn't talk if she was making out with me. She slipped her tongue inside and made no mistake in tasting me, filling me up.

I know I wanted this to be our night but, for some reason, I didn't actually think she would ever kiss me again. Which is a crazy thought to have and now I know my doubts had carried me away when I was without her.


	6. Lost With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey tries to talk at the Drive-In but she's finding it difficult to connect.

There was a movie playing somewhere, sure. Loud noises; screaming. Sounds that should disturb anyone. But, we didn’t hear them and we didn’t feel them at all. 

It was warm beneath the blankets. Izzie and I became lost. 

Her fingers touched my skin and traced my stomach. Teasing touches, feather-light that made me feel sensitive. When her fingers slipped beneath my hoodie, I wondered if she knew, how great it felt, how much I wanted it. Did it feel like this for her too? 

What my own hands did I wasn’t even control of. When they touched I tried to rein myself in and be normal, which never worked. My hands would become lost to me and then I’d remember them and notice that they were on her back, trying to find her skin.

Izzie wore a dress so I couldn’t exactly touch her like she kept touching me. Still, my hand craved contact. The other one cradled her face and stroked her soft skin.

My hand smoothed onto her stomach as we kissed. Abs tensing and relaxing, the way she wanted me. Only a thin slip of fabric kept me from really exploring what I knew to be sweet heaven.

My cravings had taken me over. I was greedy for her and allowing myself to be greedy which really wasn’t like me.

“Damn,” Izzie breathed, most likely exhausted by me.

“I know,” I breathed, resting. 

So many nights I laid awake by her side. I used to wonder if we could do this. What it would feel like. If we would like it.

Now that I knew, I couldn’t stop myself imagining.

I shut my eyes and licked my lips.

“Casey,” Izzie whispered. 

I breathed deep and tried to compose myself.

Her fingers touched my face gently and I opened my eyes.

Izzie stared back at me, watching me. 

“You’re so pretty,” she said.

I laughed, and swallowed. “No I’m not.”

“Mhmm,” she said, nodding and touching me. 

When she was still and gentle it made me wonder why I wasn’t better at this.

“You’re the pretty one,” I said. And I wasn’t so much teasing as I was telling the truth. 

“Not true,” Izzie said. She was never sensitive about her looks and even now as she touched my lips with the pad of her finger I knew she wasn’t thinking about them. 

“I wish I could steal you,” I said, swallowing. It made me breathless to even think about that.

“Me too,” she said, searching me openly. 

At first it had been only heat with us here but then we both got distracted and slowed. I think we missed each other. Time was slipping and I was going to lose her again.

“Can I tell you something, honestly?”

“Of course,” Izzie said, all soft and somehow serious.

I shut my eyes and felt her finger tips as they slid down my cheek. “I want to touch you,” I said, being brave.

“Obviously,” Izzie whispered. Her fingers moved to the side of my neck and we were both so warm together beneath the blanket. “I could’ve told you that.”

“No, um… I mean… More,” I said, opening my eyes to try and see what she might think.

“Oh,” she said, licking her lips and staring at mine. 

“We never talk about it.”

“What?” Izzie wondered.

“Have you… Um.. With Nate, I mean. Did you two ever-”

“What? No,” Izzie said, shaking her head. “No way,” she said. “I let him kiss me but…” Her voice trailed off.

“What?” I wondered. They did something and she was keeping it from me.

“I touched him. A little,” Izzie confessed solemnly. “And he touched me.”

“Oh,” I said, sad now for a whole other reason. 

“He always wanted to,” Izzie shared. “I just. I stopped him. A lot.”

“Yeah,” I said, trying not to think about the two of them together. “What was it like,” I asked, needing to know.

“I don’t know,” Izzie laughed. “What was it like with Evan.”

It upset me that she was asking this. Mostly because I had talked about Evan a lot with her. I always talked about Evan even when I knew it hurt her sometimes. 

“What? I can’t ask?”

I sat up and pushed the blanket off. The heat made me thirst so I grabbed for my Icee and drank some. 

“I didn’t say that,” I mumbled.

“Yeah, but you’re mad.”

“I’m not,” I said, looking at her. “I’ve talked to you a lot,” I reminded. “About Evan.”

“Soooo you don’t want to talk about Evan,” Izzie deduced.

“No. I mean. It’s fine. I just. I asked you something first.”

“Okay,” Izzie laughed. “Fair enough.”

Her fingers were playing with mine. After a few seconds I stared down at them. 

“Nate touched me,” Izzie said. My eyes shot back up to hers. “He said he knew how to do it and that he’d done it before.”

“And?”

“And?” Izzie laughed awkwardly. “What else is there to know?”

“What did it feel like?” I pushed. 

“Like. Nate touching me,” Izzie shrugged uncomfortable. 

I drank a bit more of my Icee and tried my best not to smirk at her. 

“Fine,” she sighed. “I didn’t like it,” she said. “It made me uncomfortable and he wasn’t good at it and… I dunno. It only happened because I was drunk in the first place.”

“Awww,” I pouted. “I hate that.”

“Yeah. So, stop making me talk about it.”

“Okay,” I promised.

Izzie started to crawl up towards me and it activated certain nerves in me, she was too sexy and I knew she was not trying to be which made it worse.

“I don’t like when you’re not holding me,” Izzie said. She turned and sat between my legs and laid back against my body. I put my foot up so she could use my thigh as an armrest if she wanted to. 

“You smell so good,” I whispered, resting my chin on her shoulder. I slid my arm in around her waist and held her close. 

“I miss you,” Izzie said. It was the saddest thing. Her voice cracked sometimes and it always killed me inside like someone hitting my heart with an axe or a hammer. “Why are you making me talk about Nate.”

“I wanna know you,” I whispered. 

“Yeah,” Izzie said and I couldn’t tell at all what she was thinking. 

I sat quiet with her, wondering.

“I do want you to touch me,” she whispered. “I’m just scared.”

That hurt me inside. It wasn’t right if she was scared of me. 

“It’s okay,” I said, worried now and a little too sad. 

“You slept with him,” Izzie said, like she was sure. 

“I did,” I said, remembering. 

“Do you miss it?”

“What?”

“Sex?”

I didn’t know what to say. 

“Why aren’t you answering me?”

“I’m thinking,” I said.

“It shouldn’t be a difficult question.”

“No,” I said, making it simple. “I don’t miss having sex with Evan but it wasn’t bad, it was just…”

“What?” Izzie asked.

“I feel more with you,” I said. “Even right now. Just doing this.”

“Oh,” Izzie said. I couldn’t tell if that was comforting for her or not.

The credits for the movie were starting to roll. Somehow we managed to spend several hours and have it feel like less than one.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this upset to see a movie end.”

Izzie laughed and lazily stayed against my body not ready to move. 

“Can you stay with me tonight?”

Izzie was quiet for a second. “I don’t know. It might be dangerous.”

“We really don’t have to do anything. I just don’t want this to end.”

“Okay,” Izzie said. The decision came so quickly and so simply that I didn’t expect it at all.

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah,” she said. It was all I needed to hear to feel a lot better about our night. 

“We’ll wait for them to go and then you can take me home.”

“Okay,” I said, nervously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long! hopefully the next chapter won't take an eternity!


	7. Are we still going home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzie has questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long - I forgot I had it! fair warning, who knows when I will update next!

Chapter 7

Leaving was the hardest. We really did wait until almost every car was out of the lot before getting up and throwing our aching bodies inside the cab of the truck.

“Do you think it’s weird that I haven’t tried to touch you?”

“Hm?”

I’d been fiddling with the radio, trying to find the nighttime station that played all the sexy late night music once it passed eleven o’clock. 

It had been quiet in the cab. I had no clue that Izzie had been thinking about that.

“Is it weird?” She asked. “Like. Bad?”

“No,” I said, looking over at her and making a concerned face. “If you don’t want to do that-”

“It’s not that,” she cut me off. “I do want to,” she reminded. 

“Well,” I said, swallowing. “If you’re scared,” I said, repeating her words from before. 

I didn’t want to be scary for her. I hated that. A lot. And it made me worried to even touch her. 

"I'm scared of doing anything," Izzie said. 

"Hmm," I hummed and stared over at her in the dark.

"What?" Izzie wondered.

"I've seen you make out with a complete stranger," I reminded.

"Oh, that's not scary," she said. "This is way more intense."

I buckled my belt and tried not to think about things. 

"I'm not like Nate," I reassured.

"So, you're good at sex?" She asked, teasing me.

"God no," I huffed out a laugh. "I mean… I don't know," I spoke honestly. "Evan said I was good but Evan is sweet."

"Did you guys… Was there a lot of sex?"

"No," I said, knowing it would be a comfort to her. "I was scared too," I shared. "In the beginning."

The music was dreamy and it helped me to settle down. 

"How did you… What made you want to do it?"

"I wanted to know,” I said. 

Evan was attractive and I did feel something for him. 

"Did you regret it?"

"The first time," I said. "I don't regret it now. It was kind of confusing."

"Why's that?"

"I don't know," I said, getting a little sad. "It didn't really feel like I thought it would. I guess I was too nice and then I tried to feel things later."

"What things?"

"I pretended," I said. "It- didn't actually feel good at first but Evan could feel it. I could tell. And, well… I felt bad so I played along. And then, when we were done, I regretted things. Regretted- not being honest about it not being this crazy perfect thing like everyone says it should be."

"That's not good."

"Yeah," I agreed. "The next time was better though. I wanted it more. Not to have it done but to actually feel something."

"What was it like?"

"Hot," I laughed and remembered. "I was turned on and also determined to be into him, for reasons," I teased. 

"I knew it," Izzie said, annoyed with me.

"What?"

"You were using me."

"What? No I wasn't. Why would you say that?"

"You'd get this look, " Izzie said. "When you stared at me while he was touching you. Or pretended to ignore me whenever Evan was in the room."

I didn't know what to say.

"Are you mad at me?"

"No," Izzie said but the whole thing was confusing. 

Was I supposed to apologize for having sex?

"Ya know, I thought you and Nate were doing things."

"Well. We weren't," Izzie said.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "It still hurts to think about before. Things can just change like that."

"Iz…"

Had she really been doubting me when this whole time I'd been missing her and trying to get to her? The truth of it was so upsetting. 

I sat beside her and neither of us talked until I pulled up to my house and parked the truck in the dark. 

"You sure you want to stay," I wondered.

"Ya know, sometimes I miss you so much that my eyes hurt and I want to scream."

I swallowed awkwardly. "I'm here," I reminded. 

We hadn't talked about her family. The one thing we needed to talk about, we'd shut it out.

"Do you wa-"

Izzie unbuckled her belt and got out of the truck before I could finish my words.

"Okay," I thought, angrily. I sat in the truck for a second, telling myself to stay calm. 

When I got out, Izzie waited for me and we walked side-by-side right up until we got in the house.

It had been at least a week since she'd come over and the last time she came she didn't stay for long.

The house was all quiet. I checked the rooms and nodded for Izzie to go ahead up the stairs. Behind her I felt almost creepy or something like I was some sex-crazed asshole who didn't deserve to have her sleep in my bed.

I closed the door once we were safe in my room. 

Izzie sat down on my bed and pulled her sweater off. 

I watched her and felt strange. 

"What are you doing," she asked. 

"I don't know," I said, somewhat hurt after all our confusing talking.

"Casey," Izzie said, wanting me to look at her. "Come ‘ere."

I swallowed awkwardly and paced a few steps before going to sit by her side on the bed. Izzie touched her hand to mine, threading our fingers. 

"You're being weird," Izzie said.

"Sorry," I reflexively apologized.

Izzie sighed and got down off the bed to kneel before me and untie my shoes. I watched her, surprised and mesmerized. When she looked up at me she smiled big and wide. I must've been staring some way because her response was too sexy.

In her dress I could see so much of her chest and her skin. As she rose to stand I licked my lips and wondered about her. 

Why did she wear that tonight? Did she want to drive me crazy?

"Do you want this off?" She asked. Her hands had gripped the neck of my hoodie and I nodded. Underneath, all I had on was a bra. Izzie had already seen me like that but it was usually just in passing as we both changed. This was different.

She crawled up onto my lap and sat on my thighs, pulling my hoodie up and off of me. 

My heart sped, pounding quickly. All the blood pulsed in my brain and I stared at Iz wildly, nervous for what was to come.

My hands rested back behind me, holding me up. 

Izzie and I both stared openly, scared to move and scared not to. 

She pet my arm and tugged on it until I acquiesced and placed my hand down on her upper thigh. 

Her head ducked forward and she pulled me in with her hands, wanting me to kiss her.

This was the hard part. Izzie was so sexy and I wanted her so much so when she started things like this I wanted to let go and touch her more. For the most part, I wasn't even conscious of my urges or my movements until I'd already done something and then it was too late.

My thighs tensed under hers as she kissed me. 

I stroked her thigh, pushing my fingers up under her dress a little bit.

Izzie's hands hurried down to mine and pushed them down.

"Sorry," I panted.

"It's good," she quickly said. But, it wasn't good if she was stopping me. I brushed my hand back through my hair and watched her. She leaned closer and licked my neck. I felt it in my sex and had to breathe deep and let it out all slow. "Don't stop," she whispered in close to my ear. 

"I don't want to hurt you," I whispered back.

"You won't," she said. "I'm just sensitive."

The licking thing she'd been doing made all my brain cells melt into a little useless puddle. I could hardly even move.


End file.
